Fidelity

So, is it OK if your partner screws around on you or you on them? Do you keep it a secret? Does it matter if they don't find out? What about if they or you are married and/or have kids?
Done it myself in my younger years and lived to regret it. Had it done to me and don't much like it. Karma's a bitch ain't it?

The short answer? Yes and no.

I honestly don't think we're hardwired for fidelity.

But that's hardwiring. I thing our society has built expectations of fidelity though. And under those circumstance then yes, I think you should be. Simply because a relationship is built on a mutual set of expectations. Fidelity being almost number one of those expectations. So to not be faithful is to break that understood trust between the two people in the relationship. Leaves the one questioning their perceived value to the other. Are they not worth it?

Anyhow. That's the long answer.

YES!!!!!!! i expect my partner to be faithfull if not he wont be my partner nomore ........ i am always faithfull and would break up before i would even get interested in someone else. A relationship is build on trust and love for each other, if thats gone then there is no relationship . If you love your partner as much as you should to call it real love then i think not anyone can even tempt you to look to someone else in that way if it does then i'm sorry to say you never had true love in the first place.

This post has been edited by lut: Nov 26 2008, 05:56 AM

Fidelity is the difference between casual sex and a grown-up relationship.

Men and women that assure their partners of love, then utterly devalue it with an outside relationship are weak worthless individuals IMO. This is something I feel strongly about.

For some reason I've never had a problem with fidelity, despite the stereotype of the typical male only being interested in one thing and getting it any way he can. Never even been seriously tempted to stray whilst in a relationship. I guess it's just a matter of personal pride, though I do think there are few worse things you can do to somebody you supposedly love.

Fidelity is one of the (if not THE) most binding elements of any proper relationship. Without fidelity, a relationship just doesn't have the glue to hold itself together.

I've always been 100% faithful, and always expected (or even demanded) the same from my partners. Like Tootle, I've never had a problem with fidelity... I feel so strongly that the act of cheating is the worst emotional and physical betrayal of trust that one human being can inflict on another, that I would never even contemplate doing it.... I even consider breaking up with someone in order to pursue an external love interest as cheating.

My answer to this question changes daily. I disagree with YMG that it's the most important element of a relationship. In some cases I'm sure having one partner step out on the other is the best thing that could of happened because it forces each partner to take a look at what is lacking in their relationship. If the partner who was betrayed can get past the initial feelings of anger then maybe they can work on making their relationship stronger and happier. Being cheated on hurts your pride and nothing else. Sex is only an exchange of body fluids, nothing more. Obviously sex with someone you love feels like more than that but you can get that same sense of fulfillment watching tv or simply talking with the person you love. Of course my opinion could be completely different tomorrow.
I do enjoy flirting and giving the impression that I would go to bed with someone at the drop of a hat. But that's a different discussion.
Having said that, just for the record I have been faithful more years than some members of Filesoup have been on this earth.

That could change though if there are any sexy females who would like to send me a picture and their address. ...

I have been thinking about this since arrgh made his original post and have come to the conclusion that I really don't know what the answer is, or even what it should be.

If you have been faced with unfaithfulness (as I have) or been unfaithful yourself, the answer is pretty easy.

I can't relate to @Fugazzi's attitude at all. It is a devastating blow to have true love besmirched (odd word I know, but appropriate I feel)

I think there is a significant difference between the sexes. Sexual infidelity is worse for men, whilst emotional infidelity is worse for women - that is explained by evolutionary psychology if anyone's interested.

Have to disagree. In regards to evolution, infidelity is the norm, and actually benefits the species.

I know infidelity accounts for around 1 in 10-15 childbirths in the UK (around 1 in 20 in Australia - the rest I've never seen any data for) so it would appear infidelity, whilst commonplace is nowhere near the norm.

It would be interesting to see your data if it suggests infidelity is practiced to such a greater extent than fidelity, that faithfulness becomes the exception.

I'm thinking you are separating out the "human" animal. I don't. I include us with the rest of them. But sure. I'll throw out a couple of links after I get home. Will be a while though. Have to work tonight.

I agree with Coyote that infidelity has historically been the norm. I think it was Desmond Morris in The Naked Ape who first postulated the reasons why it was a survival mechanism for both males and females.
Certainly some people have an 'open' relationship where other lovers are actively encouraged. I actually don't understand why I feel the way I do about it as I'm not particularly moralistic in other parts of my life. All I do know is the little head has a mind of its own and I assume the same must go for the female little head or it wouldn't happen so frequently. Perhaps the frisson of danger in a secret liaison makes it all that much better?

i feel very strongly about it aswel............but my love will never do so yahoooooooo

This post has been edited by lut: Nov 27 2008, 11:49 AM

It was Desmond Morris who postulated "Human Pair Bonding" which is not supported by any credible evidence at all. Of all Human societies, only a very few are monogamous, and there is much evidence to suggest polygamy is our "natural" heritage.

Having said that, I only brought up evolutionary psychology to make an observation about jealousy, and other than that, it doesn't have a lot to do with the topic I think.

I assume the OP was rooted in current western "monogamous" culture, as infidelity has a less defined meaning in a polygamous society.

I put the scare quotes in, as the current trend of serial short-term monogamy by high-status western men is tantamount to polygamy anyway!

This post has been edited by torrenter: Nov 27 2008, 12:20 PM

Sorry. Didn't post links. Home late. Also leaving now. But I should have time this evening.

No not at all... I accept that infidelity is common enough, and I understand it's place (and even importance) in our evolutionary development. However, I do not accept that it is the "norm"

I also don't accept that polygamy is the same thing as infidelity, but that's a whole different issue.

i think that in a relationship both parties should understand what the other wants, be it an 'open' or 'closed' relationship. and both parties should agree on what happens, im not saying that if one wants to screw around they should be allowed. it depends on the couple involved.
howver, out of a relationship i dont see the problem if two people are sexualy attracted to one another why does society think its 'bad' to just drop the introductions and just fornicate.
however i do think its good to know the other teams sex history and make sure they are playing with a clean hand and not including jokers in the pack, if you know what i mean.

Just so we all agree what we are discussing:

Fidelity
n., pl. -ties.
Faithfulness to obligations, duties, or observances.
[Middle English fidelite, from Old French, from Latin fidēlitās, from fidēlis, faithful, from fidēs, faith.]

SYNONYMS fidelity, allegiance, fealty, loyalty. These nouns denote faithfulness. Fidelity implies the unfailing fulfillment of one's duties and obligations and strict adherence to vows or promises: fidelity to one's spouse. Allegiance is faithfulness considered as a duty: “I know no South, no North, no East, no West, to which I owe any allegiance.... The Union, Sir, is my country” (Henry Clay). Fealty, once applied to the obligation of a tenant or vassal to a feudal lord, now suggests faithfulness that one has pledged to uphold: swore fealty to the laws of that country. Loyalty implies a steadfast and devoted attachment that is not easily turned aside: loyalty to an oath; loyalty to one's family.

source

=edit to embolden appropriate part=

This post has been edited by torrenter: Nov 27 2008, 03:46 PM

K. I'm back.

With links!

Found this very interesting: Link thing

And here is the argument against: Next Link Thing

I would love to see reference 19 on the last one, which is this: 1. Kleiman D. G. (1977) Q. Rev. Biol. 52:39–69.

Looks like an old paper though.

I'll scrounge around some more. Might have to hit the library if they don't have it online.


My main thought is that *human* mammalian monogamy is a social construct. One that operates in our culture because... Well, because that's the way we think it ought to be. I'm not saying that people don't feel hurt or betrayed when it happens. Cause they do. Social conditioning means a lot. If you've an argument with that I only have two words...

Blood sausage.

*shudder*


But I honestly don't think we're hardwired for monogamy.